I guess when my parents tell me they’re giving me two months worth of diet food for a Christmas present, I should probably take a serious look in my mirror and figure out how to change.
Here’s the issue I’ve had for…life. When I was a fat kid in 5th grade and getting picked on, I knew I was fat. But I liked how I looked. I never had an issue.
When I was in 7th grade and being called jelly roll, I knew I was fat. But I liked how I looked. I never had an issue.
When I didn’t make the cheer squad initially my freshmen year, I knew it was because I was fat. But I liked how I looked. I never had an issue.
At the lowest weight I can ever remember being, 170lbs my junior year in high school, I actually wasn’t that fat. But I also wasn’t skinny. And I didn’t feel as pretty as all my skinny friends. I was most insecure about myself at my prime weight.
And now, at 232 lbs, the biggest I’ve ever been in my life, I know I’m fat. I feel it now. I can’t do things I used to do in high school. I see it now. My body has decided to definitely leave marks of remembrance, letting me know I definitely did this to myself.
I didn’t just gain the freshmen 15 when I went to college. I gained the freshman 50. Too much drinking. Too many chicken fingers in the cafeteria. ..man I miss those chicken fingers. Good times.
Moral of this story, is I know I’ve been fat my whole life. I’m aware of it. I’ve dealt with all the teasing, the name calling, all of it. And I’ve accepted this. I’ve never had a problem with myself. It’s everyone else who’s telling me I need to lose weight that has the problem with it.
But I’d like a future with somebody someday. And I’ll never get that being 232 lbs. No matter how much I try to convince myself. I’m not a lazy person, I’m very smart, and I have determination that would surprise even my best friend. Everyone has their weakness in life. Food has always been, and probably always will be, mine.
I’m tired of talking about my weight or my body and bursting out in tears in a second. I cried the entire time I wrote this. This isn’t for anybody else but myself. Whoever reads this, I commend you for getting this far. But when I get to fit into those size 6 True Religion jeans I’ve been dreaming about wearing my whole life, I’m going to look back on this and remember what I’ve had to put up with for 22 years.
And when I do, I will thank each and every person who’s ever picked on me, made fun of me, or doubted that I can’t do it. Because if it’s one thing I like more then winning, it’s proving somebody wrong along the way.
This is my final farewell to myself. I can’t keep making excuses. I can’t keep hiding because it’s too hard. Like I said before, 2012 is my year. It took my 4 years to gain 60lbs. Watch my lose it all, and then some, in 1.
